Life is hard, let’s face it (I’m in philosophical mode this week…) and sometimes it just seems impossible to stay positive all the time. As soon as I go online, I’m faced with inspo posts – get your positivity in only one hashtag! I’m told to be grateful for what I have and love myself just as I am. Sure, it’s easy to be grateful when you’re starting your week on a yacht in the sunny mediterranean and your life is generally fabulous. I once got so drenched on my way into work that I turned around, went home and rang in sick. #yolo
Sometimes those aspirational posts have the opposite effect on me and I take more inspiration from someone admitting that their life isn’t always rosy and things can be a real shit show at times. So here’s a list of things that occasionally make me wanna swap my life with that of a green juice swigging, glowing and gloating online health guru. I’m not suggesting you should follow these steps, but maybe you can relate.
1. Examine your pot belly at all times
Good morning, my favourite nemesis. Great to see you’ve stuck around over night. So you really liked that chickpea curry and decided to get yourself noticed by letting it all hangout. Okay, better have some fibre for breakfast then. Ah crap, even a bit of salad and green juice doesn’t keep you flat. I guess I could do some sit ups. Sure, a loose fitting top will do.
2. Reply when fuckboy texts at 2am
‘All the women, who are independent. Throw your hands up at me.‘ Yes, yes. [waves frantically] That’s me, Beyonce! Sisters doing it for themselves, who needs men?! [phone buzzing] ‘You up?’ Haven’t heard from him in a while, sounds like he really missed me. Sure, I’m kinda up anyway, once I get out of bed. Better put some make up on and switch to sexy pyjamas.
3. Order pizza and eat it in bed
Why did I reply to his text?! Aaargh! Okay, pizza time. Gluten free base, of course, and maybe some potato wedges and wings! That tiny cup of Ben & Jerry’s is barely a spoonful, better get that too. Interesting, this is what she eats in a day on the youtube. I must have a tapeworm then, other people seem to survive on licking a leaf of kale once a day.
4. Get drunk on a school night
Time to get back into a healthy routine, look after mind and body, prepare meals in advance and download that meditation app. I even made it to a yoga class, hooray! After work dinner on a Thursday? No problem, it’s all about the balance. Wait, how many Margaritas did I have? Did we get a taxi home? Hmm, what’s that receipt in my bag? I think it’s the dehydration and lack of sleep getting to me, not the booze, no no. Someone shoot me now.
5. Spend an entire weekend in bed
But hey it’s Friday, finally. Sleep, glorious sleep and then I’ll be super productive and social. But that would mean getting dressed, having a shower and leaving the house. Ugh, no. Maybe tomorrow. I know, so and so is in a fulltime job and has a dozen side projects going plus a boyfriend and a busy social life. I, on the other hand, find it hard to commit to starting a Game of Thrones binge.
6. Stalk your ex online
No point in leaving the house, I’m too busy doing research on the internet. So, who is that swine dating now? Ah, he liked your ones post, that must mean something or is she just a friend?! Oh god, no, a retweet! Start the archaeological dig into their online relationship history immediately. She doesn’t even have instagram, thanks bitch for making my life even more difficult.
7. Take selfies that look nothing like you
Who cares, I’m way more attractive than her anyway. Well, maybe not right now in this instance. A bit of BB cream can do no harm, and concealer, lots of it. Let’s see if we can get a decent selfie together, show that insta crowd how much fun we’re having, in my bedroom, on my own, wearing a tracksuit. Filter, filter, filter and done. See world, I’M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE! Might as well go to Tesco now that I’ve put my face on. Could do with some cake.
8. Try online dating
Screw this, I can find a man if I want to. I don’t need to wait around for a date. Let’s reactivate that plenty of fish profile, the one I set up over 5 years ago, ehm. I guess their branding is slightly misleading, toads in a puddle would be more accurate me thinks. He seems nice though and there’s a message. Reply sent. Exciting! A bit strange he hasn’t written back yet, in 3 days, maybe he’s on holidays.
9. Attempt self improvement and exercise
Online dating is pointless. None of these eejits ever want to meet up in real life. I don’t need an online pen pal! They probably all have girlfriends or are just intimidated by my prowess. I’ll give you something to be scared of, fishy boys! Fab ab in 4 weeks? Let’s do this! Only half an hour. I can do it. Ufff, are we done yet?! 25 minutes more to go… What, this was only the warm up?! [cries and eats cake]
10. Ring your mother
Jaysus I’m knackered. Better ring her. Yes, all is grand, no news really. Aha, hmm, interesting, so nan wasn’t home when you called over although you told her you’d drop in and then there was a complete mix up but you met the other day anyway. Yeah, great. What? You wanna hear how I am? Well, work is a bit – who are you shouting at? Ah, dad. Say hello to dad. What is he up to? No, I don’t need money.