Fräulein Doktor’s Alternative Oscar Winners

With this years Academy Award ceremony in full swing, I thought I’d give you my pick of Oscar winners. Let’s face it, this will be the closest I’ll ever get to Leo and Fassi. Without further ado, here are my picks.

Best Michael Fassbender film (1) and also best film of the year
Macbeth
A visual feast by Australian director Justin Kurzel, featuring Ireland’s own McFassy as a battle weary Macbeth, driven to madness by post-traumatic stress. It was so good, I immediately watched it again.

Best Michael Fassbender film (2)
Steve Jobs
The unstoppable Fassbender has been on a role for a while now. He delivers a great performance in Steve Jobs, superbly supported by Kate Winslet as Joanna Hoffman. I found the evolution story of Apple and Jobs’ uncompromising marketing strategy were the most interesting aspects of the film.

Best abs in a motion picture
Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike XXL
They say a picture speaks a thousand abs, eh, words! I let you judge for yourself on this one.

Nicholas Sparks Cheeseball Award
The Age of Adaline
Adaline (Blake Lively), born at the beginning of the twentieth century, suddenly stops ageing after an accident. To hide her secret, she lives her eternal life in solitude until a handsome stranger (Michiel Huisman) comes along and things get complicated. Solid cheese with nice performances by very good looking people.

Best why it’s good to be a girl film
The Diary of a Teenage Girl
Fifteen year old Minnie (Bel Powley) begins an affair with the boyfriend (Alexander Skarsgard) of her mother (Kristen Wiig). Instead of being a judgemental cautionary tale, the film is a celebration of coming of age. Minnie is the master of her own faith and not a helpless victim lured into a relationship with an older man. A messy, funny and life affirming tale.

Best stoned Columbo impersonation
Joaquin Phoenix in Inherent Vice
The plot of Inherent Vice is so complicated, it escapes any explanation. Suffice to say, Joaquin Phoenix’s Doc, a permanently stoned private detective, has to solve a kidnapping. Despite the impossible storyline, the film lures you in and lingers in your mind long after the credits have rolled. One of the best films I’ve seen in a while.

Best awkward love scene
Trainwreck
Amy (Amy Schumer) and her bodybuilder boyfriend Steven (John Cena) are enjoying some sexy time. When she asks him to talk dirty to her, things get very awkward and very funny. Hilarious comedy about a commitment-phobic thirty something woman.

Creepiest make up
Johnny Depp in Black Mass
Depp’s performance as infamous Boston criminal Whitey Bulger is eerie and menancing. This is greatly enhanced by the make up, completely changing Depp’s look. It sometimes borders on the cartoonish though, and I found it distracting at times. Maybe that’s because beside Depp’s performance, there is nothing really outstanding about Black Mass.

Best tortured writer bio pic
The End of the Tour
The film is based on the real life interview between Rolling Stone reporter David Lipsky (Jesse Eisenberg) and acclaimed novelist David Foster Wallace (Jason Segel), done during a book tour after the release of Wallace’s celebrated novel Infinite Jest in 1996. It’s a moving portrait of an artist struggling with self doubt and depression in the face of great success.

Best how messy it is to be a grown woman film
Mistress America
Director Noah Baumbach is an acute observer of intellectual middle-class America, giving Woody Allen a run for his money. The film follows the relationship of step sisters Brooke (Greta Gerwig) and Tracy (Lola Kirke). Tracy, a college freshman in New York, is initially taken by the older Brooke who seems to have it all. Soon though, Brooke’s phoney facade crumbles and Tracy realises her older step sister has very few things in her life figured out.