How do I feel right now?

How do I feel right now? I can’t often tell.

There’s this burning and squeezing sensation around my heart, I can feel my jaw clenching, my shoulders are tense, my breath is shallow. I don’t know what I feel but when I close my eyes and stop the train of thought racing through my head, I feel heavy yet relieved. I open my eyes again and they are wet. I must be sad.

I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, this awful flutter all over my body that makes me want to shut everything out, get as far away from myself as possible. I reassure myself it’s okay. I’m strong enough to handle this – the overwhelming sense of loneliness, fear, uncertainty.

The more I distract myself, the less I recognise myself in the mirror. The disconnect stares me right in the face, so I don’t look. I keep going, only rarely the thought of ‘what’s the point’ crops up. I don’t seriously contemplate it though, it’s there but not really an option. I just have to get on with things.

Sometimes the ups and downs catch me off guard. I’m rattled by a low day and then remember, it’s okay, it will pass, it’s not going to stay around forever. Take the good days as they come. Then I wonder if this feeling is normal. Should I up my dose of medication or does everybody go through life with this constant strain on them?

Who could I be if it wasn’t there? Maybe that’s an illusion too and I’m fine the way I am, perfectly good and accomplished. I just have to believe it. In the shadow of self-doubt possibilities seem dim.

I shouldn’t wallow too much. I shouldn’t wear my depression on my sleeve like that. It’s not me. But I sometimes like it, the misery, the endless navel gazing. Look at me! I’m still standing despite all this crap thrown at me. I must be strong. I must be resilient. I know I am, I always have been.

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